THE COUNSELOR (2013)

October 27, 2013

counselor Greetings again from the darkness. The best dramatic writers thrive on creating a story filled with intricacies, multi-faceted characters, mis-direction, and a complex interweaving of sub-plots. Cormac McCarthy has proved he is one of the best such writers through his highly successful novels … some of which have made the transition to the screen: All the Pretty Horses, The Road, and of course, No Country for Old Men. This, however, is his first attempt at an original screenplay. Describing it as a disappointment is a severe understatement.

The cool parts of this movie: Bruno Ganz as a diamond dealer in Amsterdam and the two live cheetahs.

counselor2 The parts of the film that could have been interesting: the wardrobes of all main characters, Javier Bardem’s Brian Grazer-inspired hairdo, the line-up of luxury vehicles (Bentley, Ferrari, etc), and the “bolito”.

The parts of this movie that were never going to work: the opening scene with Michael Fassbender and Penelope Cruz frolicking under the sheets, dialogue that is too poetic for the characters, Brad Pitt as his grown up scammer from Thelma and Louise, Fassbender’s Texas accent, and Cameron Diaz (gold tooth, silver fingernails, cheetah tats).

counselor4 The part of this movie that is an outright disgrace: Cameron Diaz doing the splits while having intimate relations with the windshield of Bardem’s Ferrari … maybe this idea came from Joe Eszterhas after being rejected as too outlandish for Showgirls.

Chances are viewers will fall into two camps: thinking this is a wild and crazy ride inside the Mexican drug cartel, OR believing this is one of 2013’s sloppiest, messiest, most pointless and confusing wastes of time in a movie theater. I am solidly in group two and can’t even recommend you see this to determine where you fall.

The cast is filled with A-listers: Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, Penelope Cruz, and Cameron Diaz. The writer is a renowned novelist. The director is three time Oscar nominee Ridley Scott. How could it miss? Even the best actors can counselor3sometimes be miscast. Even the best writers have work best left unpublished. Even the best directors lose control of a project. It’s a movie tragedy when all those things happen in a single film.

I guess the best running joke throughout the movie is that Fassbender’s titular character is constantly receiving counseling, rather than offering it. At its core, the story is just another drug deal gone bad (do any movie drug deals ever go “right”?). With it’s unusual visuals, unrealistic conversations, and convoluted sub-plots, this one would have played better as a slideshow. Instead, I am left with this: I’ll never look at a smudge on my windshield the same again.

SEE THIS MOVIE IF: your cable system doesn’t offer the National Geographic channel and you want to see two cool cheetahs

SKIP THIS MOVIE IF: just the thought of Cameron Diaz humping a windshield stimulates only nightmares for you

watch the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrAXTxNrsi8

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SAFE HOUSE

February 12, 2012

 Greetings again from the darkness. The action-thriller-spy genre can be quite fun when handled properly. The “Bourne” franchise and Salt come immediately to mind. What we have here is a ho-hum game of cat and mouse between CIA Agents elevated somewhat because they are played by Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds. It’s ho-hum because of the simplistic and predictable script from writer David Guggenheim.

To offset this formulaic script, director Daniel Espinosa leans heavily on near non-stop, frenzied action sequences. Luckily he has DP Oliver Wood (first two Bourne movies) to bring intensity and variety to the action. Denzel plays the veteran rogue agent who turns himself in to a U.S. Consulate after a decade off the grid. We learn he is a U.S. traitor of the worst degree. Reynolds plays a rookie agent on asignment to a going-nowhere “safe house” in South Africa. To say the action is lacking on his assignment is a bit of an understatement. That is, until Denzel is transferred to his site.

We learn a few things in this movie. First, “Safe house” is evidently CIA verbiage for “all hell breaks loose” in the form of massive gunfire and violent deception. Second, if you are an agent in charge of escorting one of the world’s most dangerous men, you would prefer your bosses not send the two of you into a crowded soccer stadium to pick up a GPS device. Things are likely to go wrong. Third, it’s not wise to walk in on Denzel when he is in a bathroom stall. Fourth, if you are Ryan Reynolds, your on screen girlfriends can be as beautiful as your real life girlfriends, and no one raises an eyebrow.

The film does remind us that it’s always cool to see Sam Shepard and Ruben Blades. Where have you been hiding Mr. Blades (pictured)? The rest of the strong cast includes Brendon Gleeson and Vera Farmiga as dueling Langley operatives, Liam Cunningham as a (surprise!) bad guy, Robert Patrick and Joel Kinnaman (from “The Killing“) as agents, and Nora Arnezeder as Reynolds’ hottie.

Being a fan of this genre, it is quite disappointing to see such an obvious and basic story … even though it has the right look and feel, and a nice match-up of stars. The overload of car crashes, gunfire, and hand to hand combat doesn’t offset the fact that everyone knows early on how this is going to end, and we suffer through quick teases of intrigue regarding the two leads. So even though Denzel makes an enjoyable good guy turned bad, and Reynolds shows he is way above the idiotic Green Lantern, this one just doesn’t offer much more than your average video game.

SEE THIS MOVIE IF: you have a hole that can only be filled with excessive noise, gun fire, car wrecks, blood and frenetic fight scenes.

SKIP THIS MOVIE IF: you are looking for something new in the spy thriller genre

watch the trailer: