THIS MEANS WAR


 Greetings again from the darkness. Well it’s mid-February and the hope is that this is the worst movie I will sit through all year. It’s a waste of talent and utterly senseless … which would be fine if it happened to be funny. Somehow the writers and director manage to mash-up a spy thriller, action film, buddy film, and romantic comedy into something that is none of those and a slap in the face of the viewers.

This one is directed by McG, whose first two theatrical films were Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, both of which had more and better action sequences than this (that says plenty). It stars three very attractive people in Chris Pine, Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon. Their job is to continue to look attractive, sparkly eyes and all, in each progressively more absurd scene. Chelsea Handler is tossed in as Witherspoon’s married friend, who doles out horrible and trashy dating advice in what sounds like a lousy stand-up comedy routine. Angela Bassett, a normally fine actress, is totally out of place in her couple of scenes as the always-angry boss. Til Schweiger (Inglourious Basterds) is totally wasted as the generic bad guy.

 The movie bookends two lackluster action sequences that make little sense and are not much to look at. In between, we have two best buddy co-worker spies competing for the affections of the same girl, who is taking advice from her nasty, jealous friend. All of that is done with little action, no suspense, minimal comedy and absolutely no logical sense. Did I mention that the three leads are all very attractive? One of the minor details that really irritated me was a scene in a giant video store where Pine and Witherspoon are debating the hierarchy of Hitchcock films. In and of itself, that would be fine. But this conversation takes place in front of a display of multiple copies of Hitchcock’s The Lady Vanishes. Multiple copies. In a video store. Probably more copies than Amazon has in stock. Throw in an escalating series of outlandish dates, a multi-million dollar bachelor pad for Pine (what is the salary for a 30 yr old spy?), buddy dialogue that makes Riggs & Murtaugh or Tango & Cash sound like Lincoln and Douglas.

This is evidently supposed to be an action flick for chicks. There is gunfire, muscles and childlike banter coming from two attractive spies who both love the attractive woman who is desperate to be loved. This means flop.

SEE THIS MOVIE IF: you don’t believe it could be this bad

SKIP THIS MOVIE IF: you prefer not to pay $9 for a nap

watch the trailer (knowing that these are the “good” parts):

Advertisements

One Response to THIS MEANS WAR

  1. CMrok93 says:

    Nice review. All of these leads try their hardest, but the script just lets them down too much with terrible jokes and very ugly feeling underneath this premise. Check out my review when you get the chance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: