Greetings again from the darkness. The trailer told me all I need to know, but my life-long interest in all things related to the Alexandre Dumas novel had me ignoring my movie gut instincts and heading out to catch this latest version of the Muskateer saga. Since then, I have been telling myself “I told you so“.
Logan Lerman (Percy Jackson & the Olympians) plays the young, brash D’Artagnian, son of a former Muskateer. Lerman may develop into a fine actor someday, but right now he is as bland on screen as Orlando Bloom, who happens to play rival Duke of Buckingham. Athos, Aramis and Porthos are played, respectively, by Matthew Macfadyen (Pride & Prejudice), Luke Evans (Tamara Drewe) and Ray Stevenson (Volstagg in Thor). No need for me to go into character detail as none make any real impression thanks to a lackluster script.
The boys are a bit out of sorts after being tricked by double-agent Milady, played by Milla Jovovich, who apparently is really working for the conniving Cardinal played by Christoph Waltz. Mads Mikkelsen plays Rochefort, the evil army leader and master swordsman, but somehow even with Waltz and Mikkelsen, this film is just lacking in bad guy substance. How does that possibly happen?
Director Paul W.S. Anderson is known best for his Resident Evil film series and his love of special effects is on full display here. There were scenes that reminded me of Will Smith’s Wild Wild West, and others that looked like Robert Downey, Jr’s Sherlock Holmes. If you love the Dumas novel, you just cringed after reading that sentence. The key to the Muskateers is swashbuckling and sharp, sarcastic wit surrounding wild and athletic sword play, all performed for an honorable mission. There is just not much wit to enjoy and that’s compounded by a dearth of swords clinking.
In addition to a more colorful script, some suggestions for improvement include casting Charlie Sheen (he is a Muskateer alum) as the Duke of Buckingham, easing up on the buffoonery associated with King Louis XIII, and more evil-doing from Waltz and Mikkelson. It’s not the first movie in which I have disappointed, and it certainly won’t be the last. It’s just frustrating because … I told me so!
SEE THIS MOVIE IF: you are a fan of the Muskateers and, like me, have a genetic need to see every film version of the Dumas story.
SKIP THIS MOVIE IF: the idea of a lead actor matching the Bloom blandness is just more than you can possibly take.
watch the trailer: